In Your Mind
by rememberese
Summary: What happened between Emma and Jay after "Back in Black"?
1. The Follower

Author's note: An Emma/Jay story that takes place sometime after "Back in Black." Emma's in a vulnerable state, and Jay is lost without his girlfriend and his best friend. It's from Emma's POV. This was really hard to write, because I'm not quite sure what the dynamic between Emma and Jay would be. It may just be a one-shot, but if I get enough inspiration I'll continue.

I wanted to kill him when I saw that he was walking out those front doors. He hadn't been at lunch all week, and now I finally knew why. I wanted to escape just as bad as he did but I stayed. I stayed because I was expected to. I couldn't show any signs of irrational behavior because people were just finally shutting up about me. If I started skipping class, who knows what rumors would be launched around. Do you know how hard it is to walk down the hallway and know every last eye is fixated on you? Every mind wondering what you did to make that kid want to kill you? Every word was an empty proclaim of how sorry they were. Too bad that didn't know the truth. I wasn't some poor victim, I was the criminal. I should have been the one telling them all how sorry I was. And he was the one that had to leave. What a joke.

"Jay, wait."

I had to give him a piece of my mind. Tell him how weak he was. Let him know that I could see right through his act. He made fun of the scared and frail, but he couldn't even make it through the day.

He let me catch up to him, but as soon as I did he started walking again. I kept up with him.

"What have I done that offends the peacemaker now?"

"You're leaving, that's what."

"I'm sorry. Next time I plan on ditching school, I'll be sure to ask you for permission."

We were outside by then. I'd lost sight of what I had to say, and couldn't find the energy within me to argue. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his car door.

"Please don't tell me you stole my Father's laptop to fund a hideous coat of orange paint."

I was joking but it made him uncomfortable. He looked confused and waited a minute before he could even respond.

"Are you getting in or what?"

No, I wasn't getting in. Was he nuts enough to think that I'd be going anywhere with him? I looked at him in a way that showed my disapproval.

"Then move out of the way."

"Is this what you are going to do? Run away? So what, Sean's gone. We all have to deal with it some time. Escaping isn't going to solve anything."

He had a smirk on his face. The one that made me want to smack him and tell him that whatever was going on in his head wasn't as witty as he found it to be.

"Ha, I only wish that was the worst of my problems. You think I'd be that upset about Cameron? I guess you really aren't as smart as I thought you were. Look, my girlfriend and I broke up the other day, so forgive me if I don't want to spend time in a place where I know she is going to be. Plus, school food? It sucks. Now if you want some real food, and you look like you need it, you'll get in the car. Otherwise, go back inside with everyone who is still mourning over the "tragedy". I'm sure that will be a real good time."

He opened his door and got in. It took me a second to process everything he said. He wasn't right, he wasn't even close, but he was the only person who didn't think it was necessary to pretend to be somber. And why did I have to go back in? I didn't. I had a free pass for now. I could pretty much do anything I wanted and blame it on emotional distress. The question was: is this what I wanted? It had to be better than whatever was going on in that building. I opened the door, and sat down without saying a word.

"Ditching school with the teacher's pet? I'm really asking for it, aren't I? This is sort of like a suicide mission. When I leave, I'm lucky if anyone even notices. Now it's quite possible that every teacher is going to go into convulsions. I guess you could say I'm some sort of a hero, I'm breaking you out for the good of the Degrassi student body."

He thought he was so funny. He laughed at his own jokes, and if you didn't, chances were it wouldn't be long before you met a fist. He started to back out of the parking space.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Well you see, if I hadn't put the car in reverse, we would have gone straight into 896 SFE."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know."

He was uncomfortable. I could tell by the way he pulled his sunglasses down over his eyes and fumbled with the radio. I took in my surroundings. The interior of his car was almost exactly like I expected it to be. The back was full with piles of car and...other magazines. The middle cup holders had an open pack of cigarettes and a lighter in them. Empty bottles were scattered across the floor. There was a picture taped to his dashboard. He and Alex had their arms around each other, in front of what looked like a lake. They actually looked human. Maybe when they weren't tormenting Grade 10er's, they joked around and laughed like everyone else. And I didn't mean at others expense. Not that it mattered, like he said, they had broken up.

"What happened between you two?" I said, motioning to the picture.

"Come on, Agatha Christie, give it a rest."

"First of all, I'm shocked you even know who that is, but she wrote the mysteries, didn't solve them. Second, you two look so happy in this picture, it's like you actually meant something to each other. That's hard to find. Maybe you should talk to her."

"Well aren't I lucky that you are so concerned? And not that it matters, but we tried. We didn't agree, and we're done. It's as simple as that. I never gave you the third degree on that loser DJ, so can we end this conversation?"

That was the problem. No one ever had asked me about Chris. They didn't care how we broke up, or why we weren't together anymore. I couldn't take it, having no one to tell. Sure Manny and I were friends again, but it wasn't like it used to be. We didn't talk about guy problems, and I had a feeling it would always be a sensitive subject for us.

"He didn't get me, you know? He was thoughtful, funny, and genuinely cared about me, but it wasn't enough. He listened to me complain about school, he let me cry on his shoulder when something had gone wrong at home, and stood by me when I fought for something I believed in. Any girl would be crazy not to like him, but that's just it, I guess I'm just crazy. When we kissed, I didn't feel anything. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't there."

Jay looked at me like I had sprouted a second head.

"Uh...well I'm so glad I asked," he said in his normal sarcastic tone.

"Sorry, I know you don't care, but you were the first person to even mention anything about him. I just wanted someone to know why. I didn't mean for it to come out like that."

He took his eyes off the road again, and looked at me. Not in the usual way either, the look that says he thinks I'm completely nuts. It was more...empathetic. He gave me a half smile, and a nod that told me that he understood.

"So, how does Friendly's sound?"


	2. The Followed

Author's Note: Same part, from Jay's perspective. I don't like it as much, so I don't know if I am going to do all of the chapters this way. I'll see what kind of feedback I get. And as usual, you probably needed to see "Time Stands Still" and "Back in Black" to understand this.

"Alex, you can't tell me you are seriously considering telling Raditch."

"It's not just me, its Spinner too. Maybe you don't feel guilty for what happened, I do. But you made it obvious the other day that what I feel doesn't matter."

She stormed off, and there was no point in me calling her name. She wasn't coming back. Not as the old Alex at least. Paige Michalchuk had gotten to her. Now all she could talk about were "feelings" and how she was going to express them. She even tried to get me to go to some bullshit counseling session with her. We didn't need counseling. We just needed to keep our mouths shut.

The lunch bell rang, and I decided against going to the cafeteria. Without Alex or my boy Cameron it just wasn't worth it. So like everyday that week, I headed out to my car. No one was there to notice me leaving, and no one was in the parking lot to count how many cigarettes I had smoked. When you're focusing on the perfect drag, you can't exactly be thinking about trying to patch things up with your all-of-the-sudden-ex-girlfriend.

I was halfway down the hall when I felt the eyes on me. I was probably busted, Alex had gone straight to Raditch and we were all about to enter the downward spiral of suspensions, yelling, detentions, more yelling, and expulsions. Would we even be back here? I didn't know and couldn't force myself to care. Then she called my name. This wasn't Raditch, it was a million times worse.

It was Degrassi's own personal super sleuth, Emma Nelson. What had I done to receive the honor of her attention? I was pretty sure that it had something to do with the conversation Alex and I just had. I bet she overheard everything, and now she knew what had pushed Rick over the edge. That it was our fault. She knew we were the criminals.

I couldn't turn around and look her in the eye. I kept walking, but slowly. She sped up and caught up to me just before the doors.

"What have I done that offends the peacemaker now?"

I'd figured my best bet was to play dumb. Alex and I hadn't said anything too convicting, but who knows how long she had been snooping around. I couldn't take any chances.

"You're leaving, that's what," she said.

She said it with the sort of desperation that really fucked with your mind. I lifted up my head to look at her and noticed her tear-stained face. Sure I've seen girls cry before, just never this girl. I thought she was some kind of environment saving robot, I guess she had feelings like the rest of them. I just hadn't been looking for them.

"I'm sorry, next time I plan on ditching school, I'll be sure to ask for your permission."

I was saying anything to get her away from me. My life had become fight after fight after fight, and I wasn't going to add this one to the tally. She was upset and I wasn't in the mood to be the victim for anymore misdirected anger. She didn't say anything else, but continued to follow me. I was opening my doors when she finally snapped back into things.

"Please don't tell me you stole my Father's laptop to fund a hideous coat of orange paint."

Was that really what this was all about? She was still holding that grudge. Well, there was nothing I could do about that now. We had made a truce in Wasaga to leave each other alone for a while. Not to be friends, not to get along, just to be civil. It was for Sean's sake, for her sake, for everyone's sake really. No one was handling what happened with Rick well, and we didn't want to make things more difficult. Maybe four days was a while to her, but it didn't seem like it to me.

For the first time in my life I was having difficulty reading someone. Most people are so easy to see right through. You can't keep a secret from a guy who has more than anyone will ever know. You can't hide a lie from the biggest liar of them all. Besides, everyone was always too afraid to even try. Except her.

Granted she was smart, but she knew about politicians and chlorophyll, I didn't expect her to have any street smarts. I looked her in the eyes and saw that she no longer looked so desperate, she was smiling.

I unlocked the passenger side door, and waited for her to climb in. If she was following me all the way out here, it had to mean she wanted to leave too.

"Are you getting in or what?"

Her smile faded into a frown. I was stupid for even suggesting it. Emma Nelson? Break a rule? It just wasn't possible.

"Then move out of the way."

This is where she lost me. Maybe it had been running through her mind all this time. Maybe she just came out here to prove she could outwit me. What came next was incoherent babbling about me ditching school. She didn't seem to think it was as simple as I did. For me, having a bad day meant it was time to leave and make it a whole hell of a lot better.

"Is this what you are going to do? Run away? So what, Sean's gone. We all have to deal with it some time. Escaping isn't going to solve anything."

I could barely keep myself from laughing at her. It was so typical female. What did she want to hear? Yes, my heart is pining for Sean Cameron to come home? I won't be able to go on without him? The more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that what she said applied more to herself than it would ever to me.

"Ha, I only wish that was the worst of my problems. You think I'd be that upset about Cameron? I guess you really aren't as smart as I thought you were. Look, my girlfriend and I broke up the other day, so forgive me if I don't want to spend time in a place where I know she is going to be. Plus, school food? It sucks. Now if you want some real food, and you look like you need it, you'll get in the car. Otherwise, go back inside with everyone who is still mourning over the "tragedy". I'm sure that will be a real good time."

I was right, but I could tell by her face that she was still processing it all. I had enough of the heart-to-heart and got in the car. It was only seconds later when she joined me. Tensions were high so I only saw it fit to do what I do best in these situations, make fun of her.

"Ditching school with the teacher's pet? I'm really asking for it, aren't I? This is sort of like a suicide mission. When I leave, I'm lucky if anyone even notices. Now it's quite possible that every teacher is going to go into convulsions. I guess you could say I'm some sort of a hero, I'm breaking you out for the good of the Degrassi student body."

She of course didn't find it as amusing as I did. It was so easy to press her buttons and really get to her. Her face showed that she was annoyed, and that meant that my job was done. I started to back out and we were on our way.

"Why are you doing this?"

There she went again, always trying to get to the bottom of everything. Maybe she was on a crusade to save Degrassi against it's resident rebel. She probably thought if Rick could do it, I could too. I'm not stupid, there's a difference from putting some nerd in a locker and blowing someone's brains out. You'd think she would know better.

"Well you see, if I hadn't put the car in reverse, we would have gone straight into 896 SFE."

"That's not what I meant."

I knew it wasn't what she meant. I guess I couldn't expect her to take any kind of a joke though. It wasn't her style. Almost everything she had said to me so far had been full of so much sincerity. As if I opened up to her, then everything would be okay again. I wonder how hard it is to pretend to care. Either way, I still felt her glaring at me.

"I know."

Enough was enough. I turned up the radio and headed toward the civilization outside of Degrassi Community School. I went to lift a cigarette, but stopped myself as soon as I realized Nancy Drew over there probably wouldn't appreciate it as much as I did. She didn't notice. Her eyes had become transfixed on that stupid picture on my dashboard. It was of Alex and me, that time we were at the lake. Why didn't I rip that fucking thing off the day we broke up? I guess I hadn't noticed it. I hadn't been noticing much of anything lately.

"What happened between you two?"

This girl was going to work for a newspaper someday.

"Come on, Agatha Christie, give it a rest."

"First of all, I'm shocked you even know who that is, but she wrote the mysteries, didn't solve them. Second, you two look so happy in this picture, it's like you actually meant something to each other. That's hard to find. Maybe you should talk to her."

I had never had someone ask this many questions about me before. I had to give her credit for her persistence, but I was sick of hearing her. It became apparent she wasn't going to stop. It was like she had forgotten everything your parents ever teach you about social cues.

"Well aren't I lucky that you are so concerned? And not that it matters, but we tried. We didn't agree, and we're done. It's as simple as that. I never gave you the third degree on that loser DJ, so can we end this conversation?"

And that's what set her off. I shouldn't have mentioned him. I figured it would be the thing to shut her up, but it was the exact opposite.

"He didn't get me, you know? He was thoughtful, funny, and genuinely cared about me, but it wasn't enough. He listened to me complain about school, he let me cry on his shoulder when something had gone wrong at home, and stood by me when I fought for something I believed in. Any girl would be crazy not to like him, but that's just it, I guess I'm just crazy. When we kissed, I didn't feel anything. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't there."

"Uh...well I'm so glad I asked."

What do you say to that? She just spilled her heart out to me like we were some sort of old friends. The scary thing was that I could almost relate. Alex and I had the same interests. We both handled people in the same way, and backed each other up when we needed it. There'd be times when I could barely get through a day without her, but not this year. She started doing all these other things, and between her Vice Presidential duties and new job, we started to see less and less of each other.

One Friday night, Sean and I went to a party in Montreal. Alex was working, and I was mad at her for never coming out with us anymore. You can only get so wasted before lines start to blur. The whole night I did nothing but watch this one girl turn down every guy that came near her. She wasn't all that beautiful, and probably not all that special, at least not in comparison to Alex. Still, I risked it all. Some drunken frat guy who had no business being there couldn't take her rejecting him. He started to yell, and looked like he was going to get violent very soon. I probably should have just punched him, but I did what seemed easiest at the time. I put my arm around her and kissed her. She didn't push me off, so we just kept going at it, long after Mr. Football was gone. The next day I could barely look at myself. I was so angry. And I was angry at Alex for making me feel guilty. Every time I saw her it reminded me of what happened the night before, and I hated her for it. I just wanted to forget.

"Sorry, I know you don't care, but you were the first person to even mention anything about him. I just wanted someone to know why. I didn't mean for it to come out like that," she said.

I couldn't even find it in me to make fun of her about this. Something she said clicked in my mind, and it made me see that Alex and I had made the right decision. The spark just wasn't there anymore.

"So, how does Friendly's sound?"


	3. Crusaders

Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews. Once again, this is from Emma's POV.

"You know what Jay, I'm not even all that hungry. Can we just drive?"

It was more like I was sick to my stomach. I hadn't been able to eat much ever since the shooting. The images just kept replaying in my mind.

"Come on, Emma, think of all the pollution. All those trees and shit, by driving around like this, we're killing them."

He always had a sly comment, usually one that filled me with anger. This time he hadn't said it in a way that was hurtful. For once, instead of laughing at me, he was laughing with me.

"Am I really as neurotic as you make me out to be?"

"Completely. But everyone has come to expect it by now."

The one thing that Jay Hogart was good for was complete and utter honesty. The tone of his voice was gentler than I'd ever heard it, and instead of his usual grimace, he spoke with a smile.

"Well, what about you? You can't tell me that you aren't a compulsive candy bar kleptomaniac. I mean, think of the poor defenseless vending machines. S.I.T.E. was even considering a protection program."

He laughed. He never laughed at anything I'd said before, unless of course it was to mock me. It felt satisfying to prove that I wasn't as lame as he expected me to be. I wasn't as one-dimensional.

That was one thing we were both wrong about. He was the criminal, I was the crusader. Outside of the people that really knew us, no one thought any differently. They wrapped us up in our little personality boxes, just waiting to be shocked the second we stepped out. It's funny how people can think one word describes every aspect of you. I did have a little bit of a crusader in me, but that label tarnished all of my other parts. I knew it was true for myself, I just didn't know that it could be true for him too. Maybe I was off base, but for some reason today, he seemed human.

He pulled over and parked behind the Dot. I watched as he grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lighter out of the cup holder. He got out of the car without saying a word. Pacing back and forth he lit his cigarette, and I watched as his nerves seemingly calmed themselves. The old Emma would have tried to stop him, or talked about how he was ruining his lungs for the rest of his life, but let's face it. The old Emma wouldn't have set foot in his car. He stopped pacing and eventually found comfort in standing still. His mind seemed to be focused on nothing but the cigarette. It was the most peaceful I had ever seen him. He walked back towards the car and sat back on the hood. I so badly wanted to get out and do exactly what he was doing. Calm my nerves, just for a minute. The last week had been nothing but a blend of worries and tears. People wouldn't quit asking questions, I couldn't stop reliving everything over and over again in my mind.

That's when I realized it. Everyone else had escaped in one way or another. Sean left this entire place behind by staying in Wasaga. He left his girlfriend, his best friend, and me, whatever I was to him. He had saved me, but he didn't finish the job. I guess he had to put himself first for once. I couldn't blame him. He should have been with his parents a long time ago. It wasn't just him who had escaped. Hazel and Paige had their yoga classes. Jay ditched school. Ellie wouldn't talk to anyone. Toby sat in front of his XBOX. JT and Danny made jokes. Everyone was pushing it away, except me. I was living in it. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing Rick with that gun. If it was so easy for all of them to forget, why couldn't I. Everyone saw how much I hurt. I was the only one who couldn't forget.

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and my heart was pounding from just thinking about it all. I opened the car door and walked over until I was next to him. He was just as desperate as I was, I could see it in his eyes. He looked the same way Sean did when he left that day, angry at the world because he didn't know what else to feel.

"I could probably answer the question myself, but do you want one?"

I just shook my head and watched as he put the lighter back in his pocket.

"I figured I'd ask. Everything else seems to have gotten really fucked up. Backwards, even."

He brought me home because we had run out of things to say. Neither one of us felt much like talking anyway. I thanked him for the ride and he made a joke about owing him.

"Well, now you know where to find me if you ever see a tree in peril."

"And you know how to get to me if you are ever in desperate need of a candy bar."

It wasn't just to make fun of ourselves. It was about the people misunderstood us in that way, thought we were one-dimensional. If only they knew how wrong they were.


	4. Criminals

Author's Note: Same scenario, Jay's POV

She didn't want to go anywhere. Of course not, that would be too easy. She probably just wanted to sit here and continue to give me the third degree. I guess I wouldn't mind so much, but it felt like she didn't accept any of the answers. I bet she could ask for my name, and would be disappointed if my answer contained less than five sentences. All the questions had me even more nerved up than before. I was alone, and I had been all week. The line of questioning made it all a reality, because now she knew too.

We had to go somewhere, I couldn't sit here and talking about feelings and this girly shit any longer.

"Come on, Emma, think of all the pollution. All those trees and shit, by driving around like this, we're killing them."

I was expecting the usual "I'm Emma Nelson and I'm annoyed with you" whine, but instead she laughed. We both did.

"Am I really that neurotic?"

As I had made her out to be? No way, but she was certainly close. She cared about things, sure. Maybe even a little too much, but even I knew that it was better than not caring.

"Completely. But everyone has come to expect it by now."

It was true. It was the Emma Nelson that people had come to expect. Some trash in the river? She'd be the one you would see picking it up. It wasn't just the environment though. I once saw her arguing about Che Guevara. Someone had denounced one of his accomplishments, and she went nuts. She had so much passion in her over people she would never know, and control over things that she would only be able to change minimally. Yet she couldn't even manage her own existence.

"Well, what about you? You can't tell me that you aren't a compulsive candy bar kleptomaniac. I mean, think of the poor defenseless vending machines. S.I.T.E. was even considering a protection program."

It was the only funny thing I've ever heard her say. For once, she just got it. She summed up everyone's perspective on me in a few sentences. That's all I am to people. The bully who takes their lunch money. The guy who beats them up after school. The one making fun of them in the hallways. It was the bits and pieces of me that these people saw, never the entire product.

I pulled up behind the Dot. I picked up my cigarettes and walked as far from the car as I could. All these questions were running through my mind. How long would it be before Spinner and Alex spilt everything? What was I going to do about Alex? Without her and Cameron here, all I really had was Towerz and Amy. Towerz was the kind of guy that would have your back to the death. We respected each other for that, but he never disagreed with anything I said. Let's face it, sometimes I do need to be put in check. Amy was a mess. There was practically a bottle attached to her hand. She came to school drunk, she went home early to drink. Cameron had a thing for girls like this. You know the ones. They were even more fucked up than he was. He thought he could save her, but all he did was make things worse. Now she was constantly crying over Sean, and making plans to break him from the "Vampire" as she called Ellie, who was another piece of work. She fit perfectly into Sean's need for broken women. I guess she sliced her wrists more than a few times. He made me promise that I'd look out for her after he left, but there was no point. She wouldn't talk to anyone. I tried to check up on her a few times, and she wouldn't even answer the door.

I wonder if Emma was a mess when she and Cameron met. She had to have been in a few pieces at least. That was just the type of girl he went for. She seemed to have pulled herself together by the time I met her though, probably why he lost interest. Now that she was in shambles once again, I wouldn't be surprised if her knight in shining armor came riding home on a white stallion to save her.

I realized I was pacing with each drag I took. She was probably watching horrified that I would let such a toxic substance anywhere near my lips. I didn't look in the car, but walked closer to it until I could sit on the front. One more look of disappoint today would probably be the end of it for me.

I should have knocked on wood, because next I heard the passenger side door open. She was coming out to yell at me. She sat down next to me, and I finally made eye contact. Her eyes were red and her heart was racing. She looked like she needed a smoke more than I did.

"I could probably answer the question myself, but do you want one?"

I watched as she considered it. It wasn't a quick no, she'd put some thought into this. Maybe she wasn't the goody-goody I thought she was.

"I figured I'd ask. Everything else seems to have gotten really fucked up. Backwards, even."

I stuffed my lighter and pack into my front pocket and walked back into the car. It was almost three, and school was just getting out for the rest of Degrassi High. I had to get home to check on my Mom. She worked the night-shift at this really shitty diner on the edge of town. If I wasn't home by four to wake her up, the junkie would probably lose her job. This was all something I didn't want to explain to Emma of course, so I just asked her where she lived and brought her home.

Her house was so typical. I was hoping there would be a broken window, a dusty porch, anything to show that she wasn't living in complete perfection, but it was flawless. I shouldn't have expected any less.

"Thanks...you know, for the ride. And everything."

"You can pay me later."

She got out of the car, but turned back around and opened the door back up before leaving.

"Well, now you know where to find me if you ever see a tree in peril."

"And you know how to get to me if you are ever in desperate need of a candy bar."

Was it possible that the only person on my side right now was my worst enemy?


	5. Guilty

The weekend seemed to slip right through my fingers. My parents found out I ditched on Friday, but they weren't angry with me. They just made me promise that I'd talk to them about it first if I felt the need to go home again. Dad understood. He saw the looks that people gave me. He was there everyday with me fighting that uphill battle. Mom just seemed to be worried. She wanted me to be "Emma Nelson: The Perfect Daughter" once again. Newsflash, I don't think I could ever go back to that.

I was a robot. Baby sit, clean this, get better grades, have more friends, get more involved with school. Those were the things I was supposed to do. And where did it all get me? Standing in a hallway with a gun pointed at my head. Being on that stupid quiz show, befriending Rick, and standing up for him when no one else did. Then, cutting him down when everyone else had, it was a series of huge mistakes that led to my internal combustion. Maybe it's what set me free.

Monday Morning. I slipped into homeroom and closed my eyes. I'd started to trick myself into believing as long as I couldn't see people, they couldn't see me.

"Em...you okay?"

It was Toby Isaacs, and he was more broken than I was. Rick was his friend. They stuck together because they had no one else. JT ditched him for the popular kids once. Now he had done it again, only this time with Liberty's younger brother. And they said I changed this year. JT had gone through even more friends than I had. The difference was he still kept a few of them.

"As okay as I am going to be."

I hated that question. It's practically the phrase of the week with anything involving me. Everyone thought that would question would change everything. It's hard to determine their mindset. Was it, "Maybe if I ask if she's okay she will realize that people care about her?" Or maybe, "She looks fucked up; I better see if she's fine?" The former made me nauseous. I knew I had people that cared about me, I wasn't dense. My parents, Toby, even Manny showed me she was worried, but it didn't make a difference because they couldn't understand. No, that role was left to be filled by Sean Cameron. The Sean Cameron who left Degrassi and now was residing in Wasaga Beach. Didn't he realize that if he really wanted to save me, he should have stayed here? He had Ellie to look out for too. She was an emotional wreck. Everyone was too afraid to ask if she was okay. Maybe I should have put on the same game face, and screamed at everyone who tried to talk to me, but I didn't have the energy. I didn't have the energy to argue or to go against the grain. I just absorbed what everyone told me, and answered their never-ending questions.

The bell rang, and I headed out toward my locker. I leaned back against it and slid down to the ground. When I was on the floor, I felt invisible. Everyone walks right through you; not realizing they'd stepped on your new skirt, or had just passed by the most downhearted girl on the planet.

That's when I saw him again. He was talking with, or maybe pleading with Spinner. He had the same desperation in his eyes that I'd seen the other day behind the Dot.

"You won't confess if you know what's good for you, man."

Finally a familiar sound, Jay was threatening someone. That's when it really all clicked into place in my head. Jimmy told me he thought Spinner was behind the whole yellow paint and feathers deal. It sickened me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized what I'd done to Rick was worse. I'd called him pathetic. I told him I never really liked him, I just felt bad for him. I guess Jimmy was only half-right, Jay was involved too. Where there is one idiot, there's a pack following.

Emma Nelson, do not get involved. It will only make things worse. Do not get involved. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. Spinner was visibly upset, while Jay was trying to hide his guilt. That's when it happened; Jay looked over to where I was. I tried to divert my eyes to something else, but I wasn't fast enough. The bell rang. Spinner said something about finishing their "conversation" later, and went off to class.

I closed my eyes again. Please don't let Jay come over here. Please don't see me. Please don't let him think I was spying on him.

"You enjoy the show?"

Fuck.

"It wasn't like that, I swear."

"I don't know why I'm surprised. You never did know how to keep your nose out of other people's business. Let me put it this way, whatever you think you heard, you didn't. And for your sake, I hope you aren't planning a career in detective work, you are awful at it."

I just nodded; I couldn't find the words to say anything. He started to walk away, but not without punching a locker as he passed by it. He had so much guilt on his face. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. And I felt like it was my fault. I knew he thought I was going to tell. And he had every right to think that. The old me would have ran straight down to Raditch's office and spilled everything I knew. I'd done it to him before, why not again? But this time, I was the guilty party, well maybe the guiltier.

"Jay..."

He turned back around.

"It wasn't your fault," I whispered.


	6. Guiltier

Author's Note: Thanks for all of the reviews guys, I really appreciate it!

When I got home on Friday, my Mom was sprawled across the living room floor. Tears were falling down her face, and there was a needle next to her. My first thought wasn't "What the fuck just happened?" or "Is she okay?" It was, "God, this is exactly how desperate Emma looked today." It was like she was so broken that no one in the world would ever be able to piece her back together.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to know what was going on. She'd been dating a new guy. Mr. October, as I called him, because you better believe by the time November came around, he wouldn't. It was a simple formula, really. She liked drugs. He could get her drugs. She liked him. He liked sex. She would have sex with him. He liked her. They were doomed.

That's why I wasn't into any of this stuff, you know, the drugs. I saw what it did to her. How she couldn't see straight and the smallest mistakes became Shakespearean tragedies. How I'd become the parent around here, and she depended on me for everything. I loved my Mom, I really did. It's just she had been so much stronger when I was young. My Dad left when I was six, and I hadn't seen him since. I wasn't old enough to understand the concept of divorce. I didn't know what it meant to abandon someone. All I knew was that the guy who tucked me in at night was gone, and according to my Mom wasn't coming back. I hate him for doing that to her. To us.

I started noticing things had changed when I was thirteen. She wasn't around when I came home from school anymore. She had a new boyfriend every week. There was more alcohol in the refrigerator than food. Then it was on to bigger and better things, like heroin. It wasn't anything she'd done regularly. It's just when times got rough, she'd be shooting up. Today was one of those rough times.

"Jason, honey, is that you?"

She picked her head up off the floor and I moved to sit next to her. She was still crying and I pulled her in close to me.

"Mom, it's okay. You are going to be okay."

She started to explain to me how she was going to surprise Mr. October this morning and bring him over breakfast. You know the story, she walked in and he was with another woman.

I cleaned her up and brought her to work. It was the only thing I could do. She needed that job. We needed it. There was only so much shit I could steal before people started to notice. I'd decided to cool off of it for a while, though at times like these, I doubt anyone would notice. They are too wrapped up in their own melodrama about Rick to really pay attention to anything.

The rest of the weekend was just a continuation of the nightmare. Comforting her, telling her it would be okay, and that she was better off without him. Isn't this the kind of thing a Parent tells their broken-hearted teenage daughter? Is that what I'd become? The roles had reversed, and I wasn't capable of handling the responsibility that came along with it.

Monday morning, everything changed. Spinner was going to tell Raditch. He'd gotten Alex on her side, and they were both going to confess. It was a sinking ship and they were taking me down with them.

It was after homeroom, and I was ready to knock some sense into Spin.

"They are going to find out, Jay. Everyone knows it was us."

"No, they don't. And even if they thought it was us, there is no proof. Don't be so fucking stupid."

"Stupid? My best friend was in a coma because of us. I don't think I can live with him thinking that it was something he did. We fucked up big time Jay, and now we have to face the consequences."

The bell rang to signal the start of first period.

"You won't confess if you know what's good for you."

I shoved him into the wall and kept him pinned against it for a second.

"I'm going to class; we can finish this 'conversation' later."

He walked away, and then that's when I saw her. Emma Nelson, her eyes fixated on everything that just happened. She tried to look away, but we both knew it was too late for that. I was mad, I was so fucking mad. Mad at Spinner, mad at Alex for taking his side, mad at my Mom for putting me in the position she'd put me in, and now at Emma for knowing. I had never felt guiltier until that minute when I saw her watching us.

She was so innocent and naïve. Her behavior was perfect and flawless. There wasn't anything about her that wasn't pure and clean. Her edges weren't rough and her life had no cracks. And now she knew. She knew the worst thing about me. I can only imagine all the names she was calling me in her head. How fucking shocked she was. I was getting angrier just thinking about it.

"Enjoy the show?"

I was being sarcastic, cold, and angry. And she deserved it all.

"It-it wasn't like that, I swear."

She stuttered, stumbled over words. It wasn't the confident Emma Nelson that I knew. She was scared of me. If this was last year, I would have felt like I won. I made fun of her, teased her, tortured her over smallest things. Everyone else I'd ever done that had run with fear. She was different. She'd yell right back at me, she'd get me back. It had become a game of revenge. I make her boyfriend break up with her, she rats me out at the Dot for stealing. I call her names, she gets Raditch to search my car. She was tough. She didn't get like this. She didn't get flustered over things I said. She'd fight back. Why wasn't she fighting back?

"I don't know why I'm surprised. You never did know how to keep your nose out of other people's business. Let me put it this way, whatever you think you heard, you didn't. And for your sake, I hope you aren't planning a career in detective work, you are awful at it."

She nodded. She acted like I was the biggest psycho on the planet. And maybe I was, you know; now that Rick was gone. I just shook my head and walked away. I hit the closest thing to me, which ended up being a hard, metal locker. Great, on top of all of this, I'd probably end up with a broken hand.

"Jay..."

Her voice sounded delicate and soft.

"It wasn't your fault."


	7. Typical

"Emma, stay out of it. For once in your life, just stay out of it."

The words just seemed to fall out of my mouth. I didn't have any control over them.

"If only I'd thought of that sooner, but instead I tried to help him. And instead of being patient, instead of giving him a real chance, all I had was pity. All I did was feel bad for him. And maybe that was okay. But telling him that he was pathetic? That he disgusted me? That I'd never really been his friend? That I had just felt sorry for him? That's what sent him over the edge, not your stupid prank. You guys pulled one on him everyday, don't you think he'd become numb to it by then. He knew it was you anyway, but he didn't coming running after you with a gun, did he? He came after me, because it was me who was the worst of them all. I tripped him, Jay. I started a fucking campaign to get him kicked out of the school. I locked him out of the Dot, and humiliated him in front of everyone. You think some paint and feathers made him bring that gun in? You really think so?"

I shouted. It'd been inside me all week. It'd been dying to get out, and I just needed someone to know. The more I thought about it, the more I realized Jay was probably the best person to tell. He had less of a human side than anyone I knew. I imagined telling my Mom, but all I could think about how disappointed she was. I wanted to badly to tell Sean, but he was going through his own guilt issues. I guess I'd reached the point where I didn't care who heard. I was sick of keeping it in.

"Don't be so fucking stupid, Emma. The kid was a psycho, an accident waiting to happen. You're giving yourself too much credit. Hell, everyone is. Sean thinks it's his fault. Spinner and Alex are blaming themselves. Now so are you. The kid went off the deep end, and there's nothing anyone could have done to stop it. I sure as hell don't blame myself, and you shouldn't either. Think about it. He put some girl in a coma. Alex, as tough as she is, was fucking afraid of him. And that time at the Dot, he was about to rip you to shreds. What would you have thought about him then? Would you feel bad, because I don't really think you would."

He didn't feel bad for me. He didn't show an ounce of sympathy. It was exactly what I needed. All week everyone had asked me if I was okay, or if I needed anything. They wanted to know how I felt, if I needed help. Maybe his words were heartless and cruel, but they really clicked with me. I didn't feel any less guilty, but he'd put things into perspective. He didn't try to tell me that it was okay, and that it wasn't my fault. He didn't offer his shoulder to cry on. He just gave me the truth.

"I have to get to class. Don't worry about what happened with Spinner, if anyone asks I don't know anything."

I couldn't find the words to say thank you, and even if I did he'd probably think I was nuts. How exactly do you thank someone for yelling at you? Thank them for being callous and unsympathetic? I didn't. I couldn't. He watched as I stood up. I could tell he thought I was about to break. He didn't look concerned; it was more like he was looking at the scene of some horrible car accident. Interested in what was going to happen next. Probably wondering if I'd go off the deep end too. And then I did. Instead of walking to Media Immersion, I walked up to him. I kissed him on the cheek.

How typical. He calls me "fucking stupid" and I kiss him. I didn't like him. Actually, most of the time he made my blood boil. I couldn't stand how he seemingly didn't care about anything. But let's face it. The last couple of days he had been there for me. Maybe not in the conventional sense, but his actions had said a lot. It was the only thank you I could give him. He didn't look happy about it or anything, just surprised. He walked away before either one of us could explain it. He was out the door, and I was off to class.

First period. Media Immersion. JT and Liberty were fighting over some school play. Manny was looking at her hair in her compact mirror. Toby was playing some stupid computer game. They'd all gone back to normalcy. I hoped I'd find myself there soon too.


	8. Normal

I wish I could remember anything she'd said before she'd kissed me. I still don't understand how both of us yelling led up to that. It wasn't a big deal; hell, it wasn't even on the lips. It was probably a girl apology thing. Not that I'd know. The only kissing Alex and I did was on the basis that it would lead to something else. Yet, I somehow doubted the World's Biggest Prude was about to get in bed with me. God, was I really thinking about sex with Emma Nelson? I didn't even like her. In fact, I couldn't stand her.

I was going to leave, but that would require passing by Nazi Kwan's classroom. I figured it'd be best if I just went in to class late, and hope for the best.

The class was in groups, and I slipped into the desk next to Towerz, hoping that I'd go unnoticed.

"Jay, You comin' to my party tonight?"

"What party?"

Typical Towerz, trying to set-up a party when all everyone else wants to do is mope.

"Well man, I figured there'd been enough depressing shit going on, time to have some fun. My place at eight, if you're interested."

"Yeah, I'll try to stop by."

The rest of class went by, and to be honest, I have no idea what happened. All I could think was Emma. I stole a couple of candy bars from the Dot last year and she turned into a mental case over it. This year she finds out I was the one responsible for humiliating Rick on "Whack Your Brain", and she doesn't think twice. In fact, she kisses me. Alex had her moments, but I had never been this confused by a girl before.

The bell rang and I went out to my locker. I'd been avoiding it all this week, because it wasn't just my locker, I shared it with Alex. I knew all her stuff would be in there, and I knew the closer I got to it, the more of a chance we had to run into each other. That was the last thing I needed, seeing Alex. I opened the locker and took out anything that resembled my stuff. It was mostly full of her books and some stuff I'd taken from auto shop. Half of it I didn't need anymore, but it'd be too risky to give it back. That's when a criminal gets caught, you know, when he returns to the scene of the crime. I'm sure returning to the scene of the crime with the stolen goods would be like the final nail in the coffin.

That's when my phone rang. At this point, I was looking for any and every excuse to get myself out of that building. I walked out to the front steps of the school and looked at the number on the screen. It was nothing I recognized.

"Hey."

"Jay, man, it's Sean. What's up? You in class?"

"Am I ever?"

"Good point. I was just calling to see how things were, with you, and Ellie, you know? She's not answering any of my calls. I'm worried."

"Yeah...well, I can't say I know too much on that front. I know you told me to make sure she was okay, but she's not talking to anyone except that rocker chick. I stopped by the other day, and she wouldn't even answer the door."

"Jay...you have to try harder. I know she wants nothing to do with me, but I don't want to see her hurt herself. And what about Emma, is she okay?"

For some reason I didn't think "perfectly fine, in fact, she just kissed me" would be an appropriate response. I figured if I hadn't done my job looking out for Ellie, I should at least tell him I broke Emma out of this hell hole yesterday.

"It's hard to tell. She's been acting real weird lately, man. She ditched with me yesterday, can you believe that? Today she seemed a little bit upset, but then, uh, just kind of had a mood change."

A mood change and possibly a personality transplant. The Emma he knew wouldn't even voluntarily talk to me, let alone kiss me. It didn't feel right telling him, and not even for the fact that they used to date. He still seemed caught up on her. It's like he asked about Ellie first because he was supposed to, not because it was who he cared about the most.

"She ditched with you? I'm sure Alex was real happy about that."

"She doesn't know about it. And even if she did, I don't think she'd care all that much. She dumped me the night I came back from Wasaga. Over everything that happened with Rick. I wasn't being "sensitive" enough. Chicks, I just don't understand them."

"Shit dude, I'm sorry. I should have asked about that first. But wait, out with the Alex, in with the Emma? You aren't into her, are you?"

"Into Cause Girl? Are you sure you didn't injure your head on that Sea-Doo?"

"No, it's just that last year you two could barely look at each other without getting in a fight. It doesn't matter, if you guys are getting along, it's probably good for the both of you. You know, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I love Ellie and all, but it's like Emma is the one who understands me. And now that Ellie wants nothing to do with me, it's kind of making it easier for me to see who really matters."

"I'm going to make it easier on the both of us and pretend you didn't just say any of that."

"Very funny, Jay. I have to go. Talk to Ellie for me, if you get a chance."

And with that, the conversation was done. I didn't tell the full truth, but it's not like I lied to him. I wasn't into Emma. We weren't the enemies we used to be, but that didn't make us friends either. The stupid kiss meant nothing.

In all honesty, I thought she was getting up to slap me. Alex's done it a million times, so by now I've figured out when I have or when I haven't crossed the line. The things I said to Emma were miles past that line. Yet the look on her face wasn't angry. It wasn't the look of desperation that had plagued her all week. It was more like she had finally understood.

I'll stick by what I said; she's stupid if she thought what happened with Rick was her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Granted, the paint and feathers was probably the breaking point, but I'd never admit that to anyone. It didn't really matter though, because whatever I said seemed cure of the looks of angst she'd been shooting me all week. Now she'd go back to saving trees and protesting against school lunches. No more awkward run-ins, no more yelling, and definitely no more kisses. Things were headed back to normal.


End file.
